| heads up, brittany |
[05 Nov 2004|04:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 secretly amused |
] |
I am so okay with the results of this.
Let me just say, if Kalina secretely wants to marry me...
well, fuck, you know? i like brittany and everything, but six times? she's holding back.
i think it's funny that people who don't even know i exist are going to come to my wedding. that's some funny shit.
|
|
|
[05 Nov 2004|04:23am] |
|
why do i do such stupid things?
|
|
| ruiner |
[02 Nov 2004|08:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
please, god, don't let bush win...
i cannot believe apprahensive is not an emotion.
|
|
| i am an idiot |
[01 Nov 2004|07:36pm] |
|
This is how cool I am.
The sizing is, for some unknown reason, fucked. I will sort it out immediately.
|
|
| internet surveys will be the death of me |
[31 Oct 2004|04:04pm] |
|
Origins:
What was the first album you bought: Urban Hymns, by the Verve.
What was the first single you bought: Inside, by Stiltskin.
Who were the first band you saw live: CapDown.
How many festivals have you gone to: Three. I’m trying to get some guys to come to Move with me next year, so coupled with Leeds it’ll take the tally up to five.
What is the best album you have ever bought: Shit, that’s tough. I think I’ve got the most hours out of OK Computer, but I think my favourite album, if we’re talking about production and noises and the way it was put together… it’d have to be Jane Doe, by Converge.
What is the best single you have ever bought: Street Spirit by Radiohead.
Who are the best live band you’ve ever seen: either Capdown, Finch or 2 Many DJ’s. KillSwitch were pretty sensational when they played the cockpit, but my judgement was marred by drugs, so I can’t be too sure.
Best festival you have been to: Leeds 2002. My first, it was where I discovered Finch, Weezer, CapDown. Also Guns and Roses played, and that was okay – Buckethead made some real weird noises with his guitar. And we met some pretty sensational people there, too.
What album do you wish you could own: One of the Slowdive albums, I don’t care which. You just cannot find anything by them anymore.
Which single do you wish you could own: 74/75 by the Cornells. That is such a good song. It was playing at Katie’s house, on VH1 or something, and they turned it off. I should have gotten mad, but I was too drunk.
Who is better:
Alanis Morriset/Avril Lavigne: I would fuck Avril Lavigne even if it meant instant discorporation upon climax. So her.
Good Charlotte/Not Katies: not katies by a mile.
Limp Bizkit/Linkin Park: linkin park all the way.
His Girl Friday/thisgirl: thisgirl are ace.
The Late November/December: december fucken own me, especially that waiting for rain song. Host makes me cry. That makes me weird.
The Bees/The Locust: tough call. The bees are fun, the locust are too fucking noisy to really enjoy successfully. Earwax Halo is an amazing song, though.
Camber/Coheed and Cambria: coheed. They just blow me away.
Queen/Queens of the Stone Age: queens of the stone age.
Cocteau Twins/Aphex Twin: Aphex, dude. He’s fucken amazing.
Your Opinion:
Can we trust Katie Melua: I don’t know – she’s pretty hot (at least, I’d fuck her) but her album sucks. The first few tracks are okay, and that Blame It On The Moon song, even though it has the shittiest title of any song in the past nineteen years. But the rest is garbage.
What would you do with Britney Spears: I’d fuck her.
Does Christina Millian want to be Beyonce: I don’t fucking know. Who cares, they’re both shit. Except that crazy in love song, that was ace, except the brass was sampled, so it doesn’t count.
Is Eric Clapton a genius: yes.
Is Elvis dead: yes.
Is their room for Usher in today’s hectic world: I don’t know. I hate his music, and his goddamn attitude, and I think the world would be a better place if he and people like him died. If there was more money in accountancy than there was in music, he’d be a fucking accountant. What a poser.
Is Chester a visionary: Chester Bennington? No, fuck that.
AFI – lame or what: you said it.
Nirvana are the most overrated band of all time, right: no way, they’re aces.
Temperament:
What is the angriest CD you own: The Berzerker, self-titled, or The Lament Configuration by December, or Ruined By Idiots by Iron Monkey
What is the saddest CD you own: Low – a lifetime of temporary relief.
What is the happiest CD you own: maybe some of my old beach boys ones, or the polyphonic spree or the bosstones.
What is the fastest CD you own: Berzerker.
What is the slowest CD you own: some Billie Holiday compilation.
What CD(s) would you be ashamed to show your friends: Let Go by Avril Lavigne, except they all know about it already.
What CD(s) do you play at parties: Probably some Lit, some Green Day or Weezer, saves the day, Blink 182, yellowcard, planes mistaken for stars, camber, the strokes, the d4.
What is:
Your favourite song ever: hmm… hurt by Nine Inch Nails, Be Quiet and Drive by Deftones, A Life Less Ordinary by Ash, Jane Doe by Converge, Blood On The Motorway by DJ Shadow.
Your favourite riff ever: You Give Me Heart Attacks by Sounds Like Violence.
The most expensive CD in your collection: Low – A Lifetime of Temporary Relief.
The best CD ever bought for you by someone else: Jane Doe.
What songs:
Make you cry: Tomorrow One by Low, DND by Semisonic, Host by December, Jane Doe by Converge.
Make you happy: Somewhere on Fullerton by Allister, Rescue Me by Zebrahead, What’s My Age Again by Blink-182, Halfway Decent by Audio Karate. Basically, any pop punk.
Make you dance like a loon: pretty much anything by SquarePusher or Aphex Twin. Some CapDown, The Take, Mad Capsule Markets, a lot of euro beat if I’m really drunk, all the shit you hear at weddings.
Make you mad: real shit ones.
Group Members:
Best Male vocalist: Mark Moots from December, or Jacob Bannon from Converge. I love the way that Nate from Finch sings, the melodies and layering and all that. Both Brendan Boyd from Incubus and Chino Moreno from Deftones have this amazing sing rap thing going on, but Chino can scream ace, and he just has an amazing voice, so in a toss up between the five of them, I think it’s either Chino or Mark.
Best Female vocalist: Mimi from Low, Tobey Torres from Snake River Conspiracy, Jen from Defenestration, Christina Scabbia from Lacuna Coil. Mimi’s voice is beautiful – the rest are really hot.
Best guitarist: Slash or Gary Moore or Hendrix have to be among the most technically proficient, but I don’t think that means shit. The guys from Mogwais make some of the most interesting guitar noises I’ve ever heard, but everything today seems to be coming up Converge, so I’m going to say Kurt Ballou.
Best bassist: Bass is an instrument I neglect. The guy (I don’t even know his name) from Garrison – the one that looks like Egon Spengler from Ghostbusters. Failing that, I have to do the cliché thing and nominate Flea from the Chilli’s. The best baseline I ever heard was in a dub record, and a lot of the songs they play in Oslo are over the fucken moon, but I don’t know any names.
Best drummer: Joey Jordison from Slipknot, the guy from Slayer, or (because I’ve nominated them in pretty much every other category) Ben Koller from Converge. Also the guys from Ill Nino. I love digitised drums, though – The Berzerker or Alek Empire. A lot of drum and bass shit, too – DJ Hell and Dillinja and Venetian Snares. I don’t know, though, whoever programmes half the shit they play on Breezeblock or Annie Mack really owns me. I don't know.
They hope I feel better.
|
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| god divided by zero |
[31 Oct 2004|03:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
national novel writing month starts tommorow. fuck it, i don't know how i'm gonna do it. i take that shit to scarily unplanned levels. fuck.
i'm thinking of getting a fictionpress account and posting jody om their somewhere. my writing is getting seriously good lately, i don't know why, maybe because i feel bad. a lot's happened. Mom and Lynne aren't back - what can i fucking say? i should be downloading something but there's nothing i fucking want. tommorow i'm going to buy as many Eels albums as i can find. those guys fucken rock.
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| audio karate |
[31 Oct 2004|02:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
i saw a guy begging for money. i begged him back, except i wanted some fucking sympathy. he couldn't understand why someone like me had aything to feel bad about. neither could i. in the end, i paid him to suck my dick - it solved both our problems...
i hate feeling things that i cannot justify feeling. loneliness, like, when i'm literally surrounded by people. pretty much every part i go to ends up with me crying in my beer. i have no legitimate reasons for feeling these things, and it pisses me off. the only time i stop being sad is when soemthing comes alone to make me angry... it's fucked...
Johnny and Joe stayed last night. i we drank a lot of beer, and then when Johnny slept Joe devised this amazing network of straws so that we could blow on his fucking head while he was asleep. i cold have died it was so funny. after that we talked, all night, about music, and why i regret a lot of things. he's so ace. i have to remind myself how young he is, like, all the time, because he's turning pretty in an emo kind of a way, and he knows what he's talking about, and he drinks coffee, and he's the meanest guitarist i ever played with.
Mom and Lynne are at a memorial service, on account of my Daddy and Gordon. they were both good guys, i should have gone, but i'd have just cried like a fucker. shit, i am a fucker. i'm all twisted and ruined inside. Just... broken...
a lot of things happen that i am never going to be able to prevent. i am NOT okay with that.
|
|
| you only disappear |
[30 Oct 2004|02:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
life is crud, and i feel great |
] |
fishhooks hold my eyes open so bright worlds stab easy into my brain. i am drunk and the party hasn't started yet. i'm worthless to the stage where it actually hurts other people to be around me. i am listening to the eels and wondering if shit's gonna fall into place of if i am going to feel like this forever. it's all so fucking wonderful, and at the same time, reality is like bullets mincing my brain from a million mles away, some legendary sniper jsut fucking me up, ruining me and laying me the fuck down with the stupid things i did. i left parts of me on my friends grave and now i'm too polite to ask for them back. i wish i had someone to talk to...
|
|
| please don't go away |
[30 Oct 2004|01:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
Somewhere down in Fullerton
there's a place we used to go
to get away from it all
Somewhere down in Fullerton
there's a place we used to go
to get away from it all
But I'm still trying
just to figure out why
this feels so wrong
when it felt so right
Felt so right four years ago
So please don't go away
Won't this feeling
stay with me forever,
forever, I said
"please don't go away
I just want you to
stay with me forever"
Somewhere down in Fullerton
there's a place that meant
so much to everybody like me
Somewhere down in Fullerton
there's a place that meant
the world to everybody like me
But I'm still trying
just to figure out why
this feels so wrong
when it felt so right
Felt so right four years ago
So please don't go away
Won't this feeling
stay with me forever,
forever, I said
"please don't go away
I just want you to
stay with me forever"
But I'm still trying
just to figure out why
this feels so wrong
when it felt so right
Felt so right four years ago
So please don't go away
Won't this feeling
stay with me forever
forever, I said
"please don't go away
I just want you to
stay with me forever"
Forever, I said
"please don't go away
I just want you to
stay with me forever"
Forever, I said
"please don't go away
cause all I want is
you to stay with me"
That song is so good. I just got a seriously fucking scary message on my answerphone. It would have been funny if it wasn't for the voice - this old lady. I'm actually quite scared - I wish Mom would hurry and get back form wherever the fuck she is.
|
|
| i want out |
[29 Oct 2004|09:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
breathing... [i love it when we make mistakes]
|
|
| this is me, bent way out of shape |
[29 Oct 2004|09:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
So here's the fucken run down, dudes...
I got ready for the party at about seven o' clock, since I was helping to sort the palce out, you know, blow up balloons and shit. I was listening to Aphex Twin, the first track on CD of druxqz, and Mom came in and asked me what the fuck I was lsitening to. Except she didn't say fuck - that just isn't a parent word. She said it was just nosie and made me turn it down, mostly becasue the notes were so high they actually hurt my ears. It was a great start, I thought shit might actually turn out okay after that, but now I know better...
Me and Esther and Mom set the pale up. Esther looked amazing. She's a pretty girl, not that I'd do anything with her, but she really, and sincerely, looked great. She was putting up banners and all, real meticulous and shit. I
was blowing up balloons, and I actually managed to burst one of the fuckers on a candle. Both barmaids jumped. I remember that they were both chinese. That was pretty cool.
Anyway, I ate a crisp, and felt bad beacause I'd almsot gone forty eight hours wthout eating, which is what I wanted to do, but that was okay. It was ready salted - I hate ready salted crisps. Who gives a fuck about salt? I wanted salt and vinegar at the very LEAST, but no, shit never works out the way you want, whether your asking a girl to marry, or just trying to find a fucking flavour of crisps.
People arrived. They were all so beautiful. I was so fucking ugly. I had on the same shirt and jeans I wear every fucking time I go anywhere. I swear, those are the only nice clothes I have. I wanted to wear sweatbands, but they wouldn't let me - I have this awesome set of just violently pink sweatbands. But Jenny wouldn't want me wearing them, so that's cool.
Anyway, there were so many pretty girls there it was untrue. I got really morose and started talking maths with Matthew. Paul was plying me with drinks all night, and saying if I ever needed a place to stay then I was more than welcome to stay at his. He's a great fucking guy. All my brothers freinds are off the hook, all my sisters friends are beautiful. I'm like the only Jackson with no fucking friends, I really am.
So me and Francis were dancing. It was so fun. We were doing the "Where are my keys, where are my keys? There they are, there they are!" Dance. I was doing the part where you're paying for your shopping, you know, pushing it past the checkout and stabbing your hips in the opposite direction, just taking the piss, laughing like the goddamn moron I am, and this girl said something like "You missed out the 'It's Raining, open up your umberella' part." And then she dances near me and hips graze, and eyes lock for moments spilling hormones and pretend love, and she smiles and steps closer to alleviate whatever pride I have, and I swear, this girl is pretty, but maybe I only think that becasue the last time a girl showed even the slightest bit of interest in me was... when? Three months ago? And it's great, it is, to be told that I'm not as ugly as I think I am, so we dance, and I wimp the fuck out, like the fucking emo fag that I am. God, shit like that happens and I wimp out. I'm such a piece of shit.
After that I'm all miserable and shit, and I'm taking all these fucking photos, literally blow off three rolls of film, and it's just great. I snag some hotties, I leave a little bit of my soul on distant tables. I got laods of pictures of Rachel, and the flash was really bright because Fusion is really dark, and I swear, it just fucked up everyones eyes. It was like fucking suicide, droog. I got Fauve at point blank - she started screaming at me. It was way cool.
I danced with Auntie April, with Mommy, with Si. Peter was dancing like an ass and I was trying the same shit too, but I fucking couldn't. It was completely fucking funny. So we went back to Katies and I made an ass out of myself with every girl there. I talked Maths with Claire and I rambled on for so long about such meaningless bullshit that I actually tricked people into thinking I had taken pills. I told her that if I was gonna take pills I'd take enough to kill me stone dead, just lay me the fuck out with my memories all shrivelled and meaningless. She looked a little disturbed - I shouldn't have said anything. Then I said fuck in front of my mom for only the second time in my life, so then I felt shitty, and when I left this the morning I forgot my fucking camera, and now Katie's brother probably stole it. I'd deserve it for being such a fucking failure.
Anyway, I'd post some photos but I don't know how. I might just get a bravenet site to post the shit I try give my life meaning with. Maybe not.
If I somehow tricked you into giving a shit, could you answer me something? Which makes sense, maths of science? Because, according to something Matthew said, both cannot be right. Maybe neither is right. It's quantuum physics, dudes - IM me if you want.
Peace out.
|
|
| here we go |
[29 Oct 2004|05:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
i die on nights like this |
] |
Today I thaw.
|
|
| we die by science |
[28 Oct 2004|11:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 and i hope your majesty |
] |
I just wanted to prove how boring I am.
x. my father thinks i am : my dad's dead. sorry.
x. my mother thinks i am : wonderful
x. my grandma thinks i am : way more aive than she is.
x. your three best qualities : I am very forgiving, I am very creative, I'm not as angry as everyone thinks I am.
x. three worst qualities : I'm a fucking asshole, I push people away for no fucking reason at all, I'm a worthless, ungrateful piece of shit.
x. three things you are often complimented for : my eyes, my writing... there is, believe it or not, no third thing.
x. a compliment you got that made you blush : i don't take praise very well.
x. you get embarrassed when : i don't really think this is applicable.
x. what makes you happy: music, friends (well, if i had any), pretty girls, computer games, writing
x. upsets you : people, places, events. failure. everything god painted on this shit-for-nothing town, this blue world rocked way off it's fucken axis.
Yes/No...?:
x. you keep a diary : not a real one. but yeah, obviously.
x. you like to cook : no.
x. you have a secret you have not shared with anyone : yes
x. you fold your underwear : no
x. you talk in your sleep : yes
x. you set your watch a few minutes ahead : no
x. you believe in love : yeah. it's a chemical recation triggerred by the seretonal gland.
Last..:
x. movie you rented : finding nemo
x. movie you bought : lost boys
x. song you listened to : certain tragedy by saves the day
x. song that was stuck in your head : that fucking "luma luma ay" song by O-Zone. Deagnosti Fucken Something.
x. song you've downloaded : nineties man by zeus cronion
x. CD you bought : Aphex Twin - 26 Mixes For Cash
x. CD you listened to : stay what you are by saves the day
x. person you've called : simon
x. person that's called you : lee
x. TV show you've watched : six feet under on tuesday.
x. person you were thinking of : an annonymous girl, sculpted wonderful in dreadul worlds
Do...?:
x. you wish you could live somewhere else : yes
x. you think about suicide : this is a stuypid question. how can anyone not think about suicide? i can understand people not thinking about committing suicide, but the fucken minute you learn the word you think about it. same way peopl think about god that don't beleive in him
x others find you attractive : i'd like to think so, but in all honesty, i don't really reckon.
x. you want more piercings : maybe
x. you want more tattoos : yeah. i want a gingerbread man on my index finger, but no tatooist'll do it, coz it's a waste of a fucken needle
x. you drink: all the time
x. you do drugs : not as often as i want
x. you smoke : very, very rarely
x. you like cleaning : no
x. you like roller coasters : no fucking way. fuck that shit
x. you write in cursive or print : i listen to Cursive. good band. my handwriting is the shittiest thing you've ever seen
x. you carry a donor card : no. i'm selfish
x. you have a crush on somebody : bridgette, melissa auf der maur, basically any femal singer/songwriter
x. ever cried over a boy/girl : all the time
x. ever lied to someone : yes.
x. ever been in a fist fight : yes
x. ever been arrested : almost
What...?:
x. shampoo do you use: tresemme. it keeps the dye in. i don't fucken know why
x. perfume/cologne do you use : i don't
x. are you scared of : going away, the sun going nova, someone else dying, finding out that this really is it, life in general
Number:
x. of times you have been in love : like three
x. of times you have had your heart broken : two
x. of hearts you have broken : one, i think. i hope she never fucking heals, little bitch
x. of guys/girls you have kissed : A few too many to count
x. of people you consider your enemies : i'm really tempted to say six billion, but that'd be fucken immature. uh... a few
x. of CDs' that you own : about 900
x. of times your name has appeared in the newspaper : one, when i got my exam results and they were shitty and everyone figured out i was a good for nothing fuck up failure
With The Opposite Sex...?:
x. what do you notice first : face. i wanna say eyes, but i don't honestly beleive i'm that artsy
x. last person you slow danced with : the girl i scared away by bein such a talentless hack.
Who...?:
x. makes you laugh : lee, ian, simon, peter
x. makes you smile : lee, ian, simon, peter, paul, richard l, richard t, adam, micheal, amy,
x. do you have a crush on : bridgette
x. has a crush on you : no one.
x. is the easiest to talk to : anyone when i'm drunk. simon, i reckon.
Hmm, this was fun.
|
|
| sleep is for the weak |
[28 Oct 2004|07:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
I have nightmares sometimes. I'm just sort of... running (from something?) and it's just dark everywhere, and I can just, just, make out whispers in the distance. Not enough to tell what they're saying, or at least that's how I remember it. (I do not remember words in my dreams anyway) I know how the dream ends off by heart... I usually just wake up and save myself the pain, but sometimes...
It's like I'm addicted to suffering. I place myself in situations where I'm pretty much bound to be devestated sooner or later. I take pretty much everything anyone does as some kind of personal insult. I'm just... I'm just fucking destroyed. I just... I got too smart in certain ways. I'm dumb, don't get me wrong, but I know just enough psychology to fucking suffer. Tonight is my sisters birthday. I am preparing myself for the worst.
|
|
| poured my life into a paper cup |
[27 Oct 2004|11:58pm] |
So this is pretty dumb.
Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results | Warmth | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Intellect | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Emotional Stability | ||| | 10% | | Aggressiveness | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Liveliness | ||||||||| | 22% | | Dutifulness | ||||||||| | 26% | | Social Assertiveness | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Sensitivity | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Paranoia | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Abstractness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Introversion | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Anxiety | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Independence | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Perfectionism | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Tension | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Take Free 16pf based Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com
See what I mean? If that shit's true then I'm an absolute fucker.
If anybody ever wants to talk music, IM me. Seriously, I need to know what's going on. I've fallen off the fucken world lately.
|
|
| travel by telephone |
[27 Oct 2004|08:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
and we will live forever like this...
Cash machines do not tell the future.
I am glad I am not dead.
|
|
| views from the void |
[26 Oct 2004|05:54pm] |
|
This is a poem about ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) kreagor. You might not like it...</span>
The sun rises and snags on
the windows of three storey houses,
which comply fully with all our needs
by reflecting light back onto the green
grass as it sways in the morning wind.
And a hundred thousand lost voices converge
on rusted climbing frames to try
and get the kind of peace
these children never had.
And all the spent young men walk home
to try pretend that they have
more important things to worry about
than these twisted little needs.
And cars drive past,
heads down choked full of freedom,
heads down choked full of freedom.
And the sun doesn’t know
that this is the first time
that it will rise without you
and my heart doesn’t know
that this is the last time
that I will die with you.
Your beauty ruined
by hateful needs cracked open
like dragon eggs of fire and hate
to choke ceiling wide misery
and grey clogged ivy
away from my broken heart.
You were always so gentle
disregarded by violence
but still fast to endure
the sickness for us all
and in past times,
as unfamiliar and useless to me now
as past lives
your dreams were so colourful.
And with majesty you guarded
treasure-troves of children’s toys
so that no bad dreams
survived Michigan.
But they broke you
and I think if you asked them why
they wouldn’t even know.
It was just something to do.
City-wide panic, prevented by slabs of cardboard
frantic mothers scream out overwrought
and news stings down phone lines
a thousand miles away.
And you, destroyed and beautiful,
seven shades away from gold
bright as tiny stars captured and swallowed
to glow forever
amid offensive slats of dirty blue.
And we,
selfish and satisfied,
took it on ourselves to invade your world
and destroy it.
And I read this selfishness back
again and again and again
and
again and again and again.
And yeah, they fucking destroyed you.
Your dragon heart,
broken greyscale beauty
forgotten by time
but unable to forget.
And shit,
didn’t we all just fucking grow up
and leave you behind.
But we knew better,
pregnant with sick and planning permission
we ripped your dreams to shreds.
Time slashes hearts
and we forget how ruined you must have been
and we should have stopped, in some respects,
or we should never have stopped at all.
Now you lie unfinished
devastated by destiny
only twenty three hours away from me
but forever removed from me.
The sky is not big enough for you.
A lot of things are making me sad today...
Why did it have to be like this?
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